Can I ask you something???

The delicate art of presenting a request

Jan 23, 2025

During the second semester of my sophomore year of college, I and two other girls lead our life group through a study of 1, 2, and 3 John.

College girls in 2017—much like college girls in 1987, and 2004, and 2025, and 2050, probably—had a lot on our plates. Amid the anxieties about tests and papers and postgraduate plans, though, one topic always seemed to rule the day: relationships.

Is the boy I’m texting the one? Is my roommate mad at me? How do I stay close to my hometown friends? Will I ever get married? How do I honor God in my relationships? Should I invite my lab partner to church?

If you’ve been there, you know.

So, my co-leaders and I decided that we’d tackle the topic during one week of our study by inviting our college pastor’s wife to impart some wisdom. She was gracious to accept, and we were excited to hear what she had to share.

I don’t remember exactly what the scripture was that night, but I’m assuming we were somewhere around 1 John 3:21-22: “Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God, and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him.”

Naturally, I had lots of wisdom to share at 19 years old…but what I shared on this topic was totally off-base. Again, the details are fuzzy in my memory (a coping mechanism to shield myself from the embarrassment, probably), but I said something along the lines of, “Sure, share your desires with God, but be prepared for him to tell you no anyway.”

Which isn’t necessarily untrue, but it wasn’t exactly right either.

Thankfully, our pastor’s wife stepped in at that moment. She didn’t shame or embarrass me, but with all the grace in the world, she gently pushed back on the wrong view of God that I was subtly promoting to the other girls in the room by reminding us that God wants us to ask him for the things we desire; that we’re directed in scripture to “present our requests before the Lord.”1

In one gentle moment of correction, I was forced to recognize that I had majorly misunderstood God’s character.

Learning to approach God

“The only person who dares wake up a king at 3 a.m. for a glass of water is a child. We have that kind of access.”
Timothy Keller

This remains a complicated subject for me, because although I’ve grown greatly in my faith since I was 19, I still struggle to ask God for things directly. The Gospels are filled with Jesus reminding his disciples over and over to “ask, and you will receive,” but I find it hard to believe that those words really mean what they seem to mean.

Some of my trepidation is warranted. I don’t want to treat God like a vending machine or, as Lewis says, a “a grandfather in heaven” who just wants to make sure everyone’s having a good time.2 These are dangerous misunderstandings that treat God as a means to an end rather than as an end in himself.

But…that’s not necessarily what’s happening when I ask for something, either. I’m not holding my requests over God’s head, threatening to withdraw my worship and submission unless he grants them.

Imagine it this way: I have an empty water glass and my husband is walking toward the fridge. If I ask him to refill my water, it’s not because I’m trying to test his loyalty or determine if he deserves my continued love; those things are guaranteed and simply not in question at the moment.

In fact, it’s quite the opposite; it’s because I know he cares for me that I don’t hesitate to make the request. If he can’t fulfill it—if, say, he was actually walking to another part of the house, or his hands are too full—I don’t then conclude that he must not love me after all.

Admittedly, refilling a glass of water is a much smaller matter than some of the requests we make to God, but I think the principle holds.

Still, it’s sooooo difficult to take Paul seriously when he says, earnestly, without reservation, to “present your requests to God.” What if I’m asking for the wrong thing? What if this desire has blinded me to some greater good God wants for me? And worst of all…what if he just says no?

Following Jesus’ exhortations to “ask for whatever you wish” is a supremely vulnerable practice, but it’s something I’m learning to do faithfully and with humility, however painful the process may be. Here’s how I’m going about it.

My wrong beliefs

I mentioned above that my hand-waving about prayer was founded in a fundamental misunderstanding of God’s character. What exactly was that misunderstanding, though?

First: I viewed God as a harsh master. I’ve shared about this some before, but in short, I spent many years waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was always taught that God is loving and forgiving, but it’s taken a great deal of time and practice to really accept that God loves and has forgiven me; this is a temperamental inclination that I routinely have to relearn.

Second: I thought about prayer like a wish made to a genie. In part, I attribute this to reading “The Monkey’s Paw” as an impressionable middle schooler. That story is dark!! But, as silly as it feels to admit, I have often feared that my prayer for something will be answered in a painful or otherwise twisted way. Again, God simply doesn’t operate like that.

& how I’m working to correct them

The first step is recognizing that you have a problem. The second is doing something about it!! There are two primary practices that are helping me correct these (and other) misunderstandings about God’s character.

I’m learning who God is by studying his word & the words of those who love him. I told some friends recently that I think the Bible is a magical book, and I stand by that.

I’m routinely amazed at what new insights these familiar pages have to offer. At every stage of my life, I’ve been able to learn from them…and that’s not to mention the insights gleaned by uncountable saints who have pored over those same words for thousands of years before I got to them. Immersing myself in scripture and in the works of other believers is an irreplaceable practice that has helped me to truly understand the character of God and love him more.

I’m practicing!! To be blunt: I’m asking God for things. It’s difficult! It’s awkward! I’ve fumbled through far more prayers than I’d like to share, making a request and then couching it in “unless you think the answer should be no…then never mind…” It’s imperfect, but it was always going to be.

And, unsurprisingly, I’ve learned some things along the way.

God does hear, and he does answer. Open your heart to him, and be willing to look for his fingerprints in all that happens.
Take note of what you’re asking and when those asks change. Sometimes, the fact that I’ve replaced one request with another is evidence that the first request was answered.
Sometimes the answer is no, and it’s really okay. But, don’t pray expecting the answer to be no.
Approach God with humility and open hands. “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”3
Putting all your cards on the table is in itself an act of submission. Put down your fig leaves; there’s no reason to hide yourself from God. Honor him with honesty and trust.
Be willing to be corrected and keep learning. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to want things for the “wrong” reasons. You’re going to misunderstand something. Keep trying anyway.
The Christian life is tension. Balancing virtue and vice often feels like walking on a tightrope. Christ is the net that will catch you when you topple off; rest in him, and keep moving toward holiness.