Why do I believe? Pt. 1
The answer to that is complicated. Let me explain.
Keep reading for:
An introduction to the heart behind Warranted
A question for you
A recommendation from me
Tuscaloosa, Alabama.
Fall semester, junior year.
Wednesday night.
Sometime around 9PM.
The sanctuary at Calvary Baptist Church, a 100-plus-year-old institution that lived in the shadow of Bryant-Denny Stadium, had been undergoing renovations for a few months at this point. Necessity is the mother of adaptation, so all regular services were happening on a makeshift stage constructed in the gym.
Chairs had been arranged neatly into rows, approximating the pews that we’d return to once the sanctuary’s sprucing was complete, and the bleachers typically reserved for youth basketball games were full of college-age worshipers.
That night, I sat near the back of those bleachers and watched as the rest of the gym lifted their voices and their hands in what appeared to be honest, genuine praise, tears streaming down my face.
I had hardly ever felt so alone and utterly lost.
That room, on that night, should have been one of the few places in that city where I could feel truly at home. So, why did I feel completely alienated from what was happening there?
College is a weird time to be a believer.
Or at least, it was for me. Especially because of moments like this–moments when I wasn’t really sure what I believed at all.
This is just one of a handful of similar experiences that have defined the faith I have today. By all appearances, I should not have felt that way…right? I was raised in the church, the daughter of a bivocational youth minister, and had made my own profession of faith in fifth grade…and then again in seventh. (Does every church kid get baptized more than once, or was that just me?)
When I entered college, I had about 8 years of youth group, Student Life Camp, friend-led Bible studies, and consistent scripture reading under my belt. I had the experiential part of Christianity down pat, and that had sufficed while I dealt with the rollercoaster that is middle and high school.
But, Christian pedigree can only get you so far, and college proved to be a different story. It wasn’t like Hollywood–I was never singled out by a weird professor whose sole aim in life is to get Christians to deconvert in one semester or less. It also wasn’t the story of the goody two shoes gone off the deep end at the first whiff of freedom. If you want that excitement, you won’t find it here.
Simply put, I was doing all the “right” things–joining a church, investing in small groups, praying, studying my bible, even tithing once I had a little bit of income–yet I felt a keen sense that something was missing.
There was a gaping hole in my worship, and it threatened to tear the thin fabric of my still-young faith in two.
I am not a person who easily abandons what I believe. But I realized, both slowly and all at once, that I was going to have to take a serious look at my faith if I was going to bring it with me into the next stage of life.
That’s what began my journey into the world of apologetics, the discipline of defending what one believes. Dear friends had waded into these waters before me, becoming my guides as I wrestled with the biggest questions in life for the first real time.
Is there any reason to believe God is real? Are we wasting our time with Christian worship? Did Jesus even exist, much less rise from the dead?
I was terrified to seek these questions out, because my faith felt so weak that I didn’t know that it could withstand the answers possibly being negative.
But I had reached a point of no return. I could no longer co-opt anyone else’s faith to patch the holes in mine–not my parents’, or Carson’s, or my college pastor’s, or my friends’. It was time to dive in, headfirst, and prayerfully hope I’d make it out on the other side. I’m so glad I took the leap.
Whether or not you’ve found yourself in this position yet, I have come to believe that, for 21st-century, Information Age believers, understanding the way philosophy, science, mathematics, biology, and other disciplines point to a Creator is of the utmost importance.
You don’t have to be able to defend the Kalam Cosmological Argument1 word-for-word to have a robust, real faith in Christ. But, it certainly doesn’t hurt to know that there are good reasons to believe.
Though the “New Atheism” of the early aughts has waned some in popularity, its cultural impact is as profound as ever. In order to confront a highly educated and technologically advanced culture, it is in Christians’ best interests to know what they believe, and why.
I will happily admit that I haven’t “arrived” at anything approximating complete enlightenment yet–but that’s precisely why I’m writing this. I want to bring you along on this journey with me as I continue to gain a deeper understanding of my Christian faith. I’ll tell the stories of the experiences and arguments–both subjective and objective–that have helped me hold fast to my faith thus far.
My dream is to create a community of intellectually curious believers who are honestly, earnestly searching for the divine. I hope that you’ll join us as we seek to answer these questions and more.
Now, LMK:
Was there one big question, topic, or moment that made you reevaluate your faith? Are you wrestling with a specific question right now? What is it? Let’s chat! Respond to this email, or click the button below to share your experiences.
And a recommendation (or two):
I just finished the free Apologetics 101 course that Reasonable Faith offers through their Equip platform, and I can’t recommend it enough. The last lesson was based on this sermon from Dr. William Lane Craig. Give it a listen while you’re making dinner or driving to work this week—I hope you’ll find it as uplifting as I did.
If you don’t recognize this now, no worries—we’ll talk about it more in the next newsletter.
What are the biggest reasons you think the church has neglected these philosophical quandaries? Is it that Bible Belt churches, where most everyone is a church-goer or church-sensitive, don’t feel the same need as churches in more secularized regions? Is it that the churches assume the same a priori beliefs on people outside the church? It seems to me that believers’ presuppositions about the raw authority of scripture might hinder conversations with those not sharing those presuppositions. That isn’t to say scripture isn’t authoritative, but it certainly isn’t for the non-believer. It’s as if believers might be speaking a separate language at times; but if we want to reach secular culture, we should speak their language too, especially since we can agree on a common language: philosophy.
My faith has been challenged more in the past eight months than at any other time in my life. My daughter left her husband and two precious children and moved to another state. I was hurt and confused. I was filled with anger and doubt. The only way I survived was through counseling and taking care of those two precious children. During these months, I have come to understand why she had to run (I will never grasp her reason for leaving her kids though). Through counseling with my pastor, I have learned that her leaving is not my fault and I have to take care of myself. I like the passage about the armor of God from Ephesians 6. I finally understand the reason believers have a helmet of salvation. First of all, we have to KNOW that we know! Secondly, we have a HELMET of salvation on our HEAD so that when the heart is shattered into a million pieces and we cannot make sense of tragic events in our lives, our belief in a sovereign God takes over and helps us return to the Word where God can slowly mend those broken pieces of our hearts. I have questioned my God so many times these months of pain. There are days that the devil would have me believe that God doesn’t care, that He doesn’t listen, that my little grandchildren will not survive, that I myself will not get through this. I wish that I could say that I have been steadfast and righteous in these months, but I have drifted into sadness, depression, and despair. Some days it seems that I take two steps forward and three steps back. Just this week our ex son in law has moved the children to another state in an effort to get them away from everyone in their past. So…with my helmet back on my head, and the sword of the Spirit in my hands, I will again attempt to stay strong, knowing that God is faithful!